that’s on me

The sensation is so familiar. It washes over. Slams and smacks. ‘sensation’ minimizes and doesn’t accurately describe.

I thought I had decided no more. De-cide. Eliminating all other options. I chose a different experience. I did say no more. So why then am I feeling like this?

After years of amazing, constructive, courageous, boss-ass slaying of dragons - how is it I am found once again feeling these feelings?

As I journal I realize the feelings are coming from a victim place. I don’t use that word as a judgment. We are all victims to one degree or another, at some point in our lives.

At one time I was a victim. I am not now.

The trigger can be minor but immediate. It’s energetic, it happens so fast. I know the drill. If possible, it’s so important to feel the feelings as soon as they come up. I drop into my body and connect with the emotion to give it space and kindness. I know how to navigate this part. While I do, for a second, between the pain, I notice the beauty of the depth of the feeling. Humanity.

I am able to see clearly, and acknowledge the chemistry in my change of my state from one second to another. The reflex response is habit. That’s okay too.

I reaquainte myself with my power. No one gets to infiltrate my mind, my home, my time, and take over my emotional state without my consent. I have the power over all of those things, these are solely managed by me. I know this.

So what’s left to change after the years of expert helpers and thousands of hours and dollars of self work? I had already decided to move on and that I’m done with this, and here I am again, so what’s next from me? What is left here in this circumstance for me to be accountable? What further change in me is required to implement my decision about ‘no more’?

In what way am I not holding up this boundary for myself?

Whatever ways I am not holding the boundary, that’s on me.