What am I waiting for?
In the past thirty-some years I've invested a lot of money and attention to both my personal and professional growth . For many reasons. Primarily my motivation has always been to find the way to be the best version of myself. I definitely had areas of deficit or dysfunction that required attention. Similarly, professionally, I had an ambition to design my career in ways that allowed for me to contribute to the greater good while aligning with my true purpose. These motivators have taken me on an interesting path, all the while seemingly stuck in a perpetual role of student, learner, seeker.
Like many women, through my career I've felt I was an 'imposter'. Early on, I always looked younger than I was, I was often dismissed as a naïve idealist. This too kept me in state of seeking evidence to substantiate that my knowledge or experience was credible.
As I move toward setting up this website space and designing this next phase of my life, I observe my hesitance to take these next steps in the direction of fulfilling my purpose. There is risk. I fear I will be criticized for not having both credibility and the credentials to put any type of shingle up.
I find myself once again in a state of seeking, what would be the right certificate, diploma, degree to make me believable as a worthy helper or guide for others?
I'm working with a coach right now who was checking me on my above named need to be credentialed in some way, 'but do you really though (need credentials)?' she asked. The framing of the question with curiousity, cracked open a sliver of possibility that maybe I am enough as I am now with no additional letters behind my name. The question sticks and I will consider it further, but right now I am stubborn. I am compelled to find letters I can buy so people will believe I'm worthy of their trust. On some level, I believe I can't move this new venture forward without having the proof that I am credible.
We dive deeper, 'What am I waiting for?' is a question that comes up. My sweet little inner critic (protector) answers as though she's reading from a textbook, 'You will humiliate yourself', 'You're not good enough', 'Who do you think you are?' I know I don't even believe that critical voice anymore. I know it is reflex thinking, habitual monkey-mind, noise and ego and not the truth.
Cut to separate but related tangent - I've noticed about myself that there are times I just need some acknowledgement. I accomplish something that makes me proud but I can't name it cause I'd come off as a braggart or an ego-deprived someone seeking a superficial stroke. My girlfriend and I have agreed to an abbreviated response when this comes up for me, not needing to give it too much air time, but to simply acknowledge in the moment. When she hears me provide the headlines of what would've been a parenting feat or another type of achievement, she'll quickly say the words, 'credit credit' and we can move on with me feeling seen.
It strikes me that there is a theme. Seeking to find the answer to offer proof to the world that I'm believable. The need for credit....Credit, Credentials, Credibility.
Dictionary.com defines the Latin root word 'cred' as the quality of being believable or worthy of respect. Interesting. I could speculate all sorts of reasons why I might have a hang up about being believable. The why doesn't matter so much at this point. The question is how to make the leap to fully embracing myself, how to fully step into being believable and worthy.
'I think I'm at the point of needing to take a leap' I say. My coach cites a quote she once heard, 'you can't leap a chasm in two steps'. Fuck. That's an uncomfortable truth. ('forget it then' I say to myself.) She says, 'You're a writer...just put your name out there.'
What would it take for me to leap to a place of knowing I was credible just as I am? What am I waiting for?
